As If We Haven't Had Enough Changes Lately

I've done something crazy. I've gone back to work full time. This is my first week back. Back at my old job. It isn't something I was seeking out...full time employment. And I never even considered that I might go back to my old job. But this just sort of fell out of the sky. I thought our move seemed sudden, but this just came out of left field and left us with a lot of decisions to make and a lot of soul searching to do. Let's back up...since we live with my in-laws and I have access to awesome childcare, in house, I was looking for a part time job. Something in the evenings, where it wouldn't be a big deal if I left for work before Matt got home. I had put in a bunch of applications for server positions but it hadn't yielded anything. I was getting a little discouraged. And then I went to a former co-worker's baby shower. A few of my friends from my old job were there - and one of them was retiring in two weeks. Did I want her job, she jokingly asked. Sure, I told her, if it was part time. I full well knew it was a full time position, but another coworker thought they might go for the idea of part time. I submitted my resume and my friends let the manager know I was interested in coming back...part time. The supervisor called and we chatted. She told me it was a full time position, but she would talk to the big boss and see if part time could work. She also let me know the pay would be more than what I had previously been making, if that would help with childcare. We spoke again a couple days later and I decided to go for an interview, even though she told me the big boss had said full time, no part time. Matt and I had been weighing the pros and cons of me going back to work. We had come up with a few possible childcare scenarios. But even though I was pretty sure I didn't want to do it, I went to the interview. I had started thinking the interview was a technicality, and I was right. I was offered the job on the spot, and for about a 25% pay increase. I told them I would let them know in a couple days and went home and cried. And cried. And cried. For about 3 days. I was so torn. Now let me say that I know being a working mom is the norm nowadays. I have a lot of friends that are working moms. But in addition to leaving my kids, whom I had been with pretty much 24/7 since they were born, I would also be losing the identity I had had for the past 4 1/2 years...that of a stay at home mom. But when it came down to it, going back to work seemed like a good decision. There were so many factors, not the least of which was I would have to be switching schools for Lily. I know that in the grand scheme of things, where she goes to one year of preschool is hardly a big deal, but I LOVE the school she went to last year and even as I type this I am welling up a bit that she won't be attending Wesley this fall. We have found a school that is similar, but I am still devastated that the school that was so good to us won't be where she, and then Margie, attend all of their preschool days. So I have been back for four days. So far it has been okay. I was actually surprised Monday and Tuesday how okay I was. Margie obviously missed me and was glued to me when I got home, but Lily didn't seem to mind. But yesterday...yesterday was a different story. I was standing there, making a copy, and I thought to myself "What the hell am I doing? I should be home with my babies! I'm not a working mom!" It was a long day. And when I got home Lily wanted nothing to do with me. The day didn't do much to make me think I had made the right decision. Today was a much better day though. I feel like I know what I am doing more at work and Lily was happy to see me when I got home. I still vacillate wildly about whether or not this is a good thing, but I think only time will tell. I am sad about a few things particularly, like switching Lily's school, but also that I won't be the one dropping her off or picking her up from school. I was so involved with her school last year, picking her up and dropping her off nearly every day, except the week after my c-section, and helping out every Thursday. I am also bummed that I won't get that one on one time with Margie I was looking forward to while Lily is in school. Oh yeah, and of course, after being healthy all summer, the girls would both have colds last weekend. I ended up taking Margie to the doctor on Tuesday night (thank goodness for doctors' offices that are open late!) and she has her first ear infection. Because I wasn't feeling guilty enough about going back to work! If you have any tips about being a working mom, let me hear them! I am trying to navigate this very new, exciting, and emotional stage!