Thursday, August 16, 2012

As If We Haven't Had Enough Changes Lately

I've done something crazy. I've gone back to work full time. This is my first week back. Back at my old job. It isn't something I was seeking out...full time employment. And I never even considered that I might go back to my old job. But this just sort of fell out of the sky. I thought our move seemed sudden, but this just came out of left field and left us with a lot of decisions to make and a lot of soul searching to do. Let's back up...since we live with my in-laws and I have access to awesome childcare, in house, I was looking for a part time job. Something in the evenings, where it wouldn't be a big deal if I left for work before Matt got home. I had put in a bunch of applications for server positions but it hadn't yielded anything. I was getting a little discouraged. And then I went to a former co-worker's baby shower. A few of my friends from my old job were there - and one of them was retiring in two weeks. Did I want her job, she jokingly asked. Sure, I told her, if it was part time. I full well knew it was a full time position, but another coworker thought they might go for the idea of part time. I submitted my resume and my friends let the manager know I was interested in coming back...part time. The supervisor called and we chatted. She told me it was a full time position, but she would talk to the big boss and see if part time could work. She also let me know the pay would be more than what I had previously been making, if that would help with childcare. We spoke again a couple days later and I decided to go for an interview, even though she told me the big boss had said full time, no part time. Matt and I had been weighing the pros and cons of me going back to work. We had come up with a few possible childcare scenarios. But even though I was pretty sure I didn't want to do it, I went to the interview. I had started thinking the interview was a technicality, and I was right. I was offered the job on the spot, and for about a 25% pay increase. I told them I would let them know in a couple days and went home and cried. And cried. And cried. For about 3 days. I was so torn. Now let me say that I know being a working mom is the norm nowadays. I have a lot of friends that are working moms. But in addition to leaving my kids, whom I had been with pretty much 24/7 since they were born, I would also be losing the identity I had had for the past 4 1/2 years...that of a stay at home mom. But when it came down to it, going back to work seemed like a good decision. There were so many factors, not the least of which was I would have to be switching schools for Lily. I know that in the grand scheme of things, where she goes to one year of preschool is hardly a big deal, but I LOVE the school she went to last year and even as I type this I am welling up a bit that she won't be attending Wesley this fall. We have found a school that is similar, but I am still devastated that the school that was so good to us won't be where she, and then Margie, attend all of their preschool days. So I have been back for four days. So far it has been okay. I was actually surprised Monday and Tuesday how okay I was. Margie obviously missed me and was glued to me when I got home, but Lily didn't seem to mind. But yesterday...yesterday was a different story. I was standing there, making a copy, and I thought to myself "What the hell am I doing? I should be home with my babies! I'm not a working mom!" It was a long day. And when I got home Lily wanted nothing to do with me. The day didn't do much to make me think I had made the right decision. Today was a much better day though. I feel like I know what I am doing more at work and Lily was happy to see me when I got home. I still vacillate wildly about whether or not this is a good thing, but I think only time will tell. I am sad about a few things particularly, like switching Lily's school, but also that I won't be the one dropping her off or picking her up from school. I was so involved with her school last year, picking her up and dropping her off nearly every day, except the week after my c-section, and helping out every Thursday. I am also bummed that I won't get that one on one time with Margie I was looking forward to while Lily is in school. Oh yeah, and of course, after being healthy all summer, the girls would both have colds last weekend. I ended up taking Margie to the doctor on Tuesday night (thank goodness for doctors' offices that are open late!) and she has her first ear infection. Because I wasn't feeling guilty enough about going back to work! If you have any tips about being a working mom, let me hear them! I am trying to navigate this very new, exciting, and emotional stage!

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