Friday, May 10, 2013
The girls and I are at my parents' house for the weekend. It's peaceful here. So peaceful right now. I have one baby asleep next to me; despite all the grief she may give me by day, she really does look like an angel. The other baby is sleeping g peacefully in the pack and play at the foot of the bed. Sleep is the only time she is still. There are two other bedrooms available, but we always sleep together when the three of us are here. I desperately want to be sleeping like them, but I can't shut off my brain. It's always going, planning, worrying.
We have big changes on the horizon. Huge changes. And in the midst of it I am trying to find myself. It's funny really, being 33 years old and trying to find yourself. There were years when I was a wife and was sure I would know myself once I was a mother. Then I was a mother with a young baby and I couldn't imagine anything greater. Then I had two babies and I thought that I had finally found myself. And then, one day it hit me. I am more than a wife and more than a mother. But I am not sure what that more is. Don't get me wrong, if I do nothing else in this world I will consider my life a triumphant success. Together with my husband, the man who balances me and knows me so well, the man who chose me, I have created life and that is awe inspiring and humbling. But I feel I'm on a precipice. I'm on the verge of something that is just me. Given time I'm sure ill figure it out. In the meantime, I'm going to sit back and embrace what I already am...