I am not your typical girl, in, like, any way. I am not a crier. Things don't get me "right here." Sure, I feel sad about things, but 9 times out of 10 my tears are out of anger or frustration. I don't cry at a sad movie, or during a sad book. I am rather stoic in the face of heartbreaking news. I am not bragging about this. I mean, I want to be normal. I want to cry more. But somewhere along the way I convinced myself that I am a tough chick and I don't cry - very often.
But last year, four days from now, my grandma passed away. And I cried. A lot. For days. After the wake and funeral I sat at home with my eight month old daughter and bawled. I cried because my grandma was gone. I cried for my dad and aunt and uncle, who in five short years lost both their parents. I cried for my daughter who would never really get to know her Gigima - the person who was possibly the happiest in the world besides my husband and myself to learn I was expecting. I cried for the holidays that would never be the same and the every days that would never be the same. I cried that I almost tried to talk my grandma out of changing her plans so Lily and I could visit, since we would see her at Thanksgiving just a couple short weeks away. Thank God she changed them and we visited when we did. I still well up a little when Lily plays with the doll that my grandma had already bought for Lily's Christmas present, or the little books she had bought her just because.
But I also smile.
No matter how much I miss my grandma, time has given me the opportunity to smile now at the memories that nearly a year ago brought me to my knees in tears. The holidays, the regular days. The special treats and the way she brought our family together. The dollars for soccer goals scored and the special overnights. I am so extraordinarily lucky because I knew my grandma as both a child and an adult. I know a lot of people that can't say that.
And so, as the anniversary of her death, of her joining my grandpa in Heaven, is upon me, I cry a little, but I smile a lot. And I think that is how she would want it.
I love you Grandma. And I miss you every single day.