I need to move on even if it some how doesn't feel right. I am jealous of all my family members who got to go back to work yesterday, because I just sat at home playing with Lily and reflecting on the past week. I love playing with Lily all day, but it leaves a lot of time for the mind to wander. I thought I would welcome a day of just vegging after the past week, but it was too drastic a change. I was literally surrounded by family for the past week and then...just me and the Chickie. I know the days will get easier. I don't remember the aftermath being quite so hard after my grandpa died. Maybe it was because it was so much more drawn out and we had more time to prepare. Maybe it was because I was all cried out by the funeral. Maybe it was because in the days after we were still over at my grandma's helping her write out thank you cards and making sure she was going to be okay. Maybe because this time, there is no one left. A big part of my life and family is missing now. But I will move on and hold on to my memories because that is what my grandma would want us to do. I don't feel much like Christmas, and maybe if I didn't have a child, I would be selfish and ignore Christmas this year because I don't feel like it. But I have Lily now, and we need to have good stories to tell her about her first Christmas. And Grandma would be upset if we ignored Christmas. She already had gifts for Lily. So I will fake it till I make it and get some Christmas Cheer even if it means sitting on Santa's lap myself.
On another note...Lily is this (picture me holding my thumb and pointer about a half inch apart) close to crawling - I think. She is pushing up onto her knees and rocking, if only for about four seconds. She is also getting really good at supporting herself on her legs. She stands really well if we hold her. She also has this little ride on car that I just realized also converts into a push walker thing (yet another lovely hand me down). She can stand behind that for a couple seconds as long as we make sure the wheels don't move. But rolling is still her preferred mode of transportation. And dang if she isn't the fastest little roller. I really need to keep my eyes on her now. She loves cords. We need to do some serious baby proofing, and ASAP!