Friday, November 15, 2013

I'm sitting here while Lily is at school and Margie is napping and thinking over the million things I should be doing, but in reality my brain is in overdrive. My house is gross. There is no other word for it. I really should be cleaning, but...My floors are sticky and full of crumbs, there is a layer of dust, there is a pile of dishes that need washing and the full load in the running dishwasher probably will need to be rewashed since I only had maybe half a container full of dishwashing detergent left. There is always laundry to do, my bed needs to be made (actually the sheets should be washed) and all the bathrooms could use a cleaning. And the toys...there are toys and various other evidence of children EVERYWHERE!! And just when I was getting frustrated at the toys everywhere, just when I was thinking I can't wait until the day when I clean and the toys stay picked up for more than 20 minutes, just when I look around and wish we had the money to decorate and paint like I want, it hit me. I don't actually want that. Because when that day comes, the day of a clean house that stays clean and a little extra money in the bank - which will almost certainly only come from me working full time - will be the day my children are grown up. And I don't want that day. Sure, I want my kids to grow up and flourish and learn and all those amazing things, but when I am sitting back in my clean, well decorated house, I will be alone. My kids will be independent. And that, that I am not ready for. I was born to be a mother. I was made to raise my children. I fail them and my duty daily, hourly even, but I have absolutely no doubt that it is why I was put on this earth. I am well aware a mother's job is never done. You always need your mom. I need my mom and hope my children always feel about me the way I do about my mom, but at a certain point the daily needs are less.

My children are amazing and entertaining and frustrating and amazing and infuriating and fantastic and crazy and my whole life. And some days are so long. Some days seem like they will never end. But I realized I don't want to wish these days away. I don't want a clean, well decorated house as much as I want my kids to stay little as long as possible.

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